A Dog’s Job is Never Done.

Do you own your pet, or does your pet own you?

According to this article, people who are allowed to bring their dogs to their office are less stressed at work.

Fantastic.

We say this in the true sense of the word; i.e., fantasy-based and unbelievable. The opposite of realistic. First of all, it should go without saying that the idea of bringing pets to the office to lower stress levels surely says more about the American workplace than it does about any benefits that animals may offer.

That said, we do understand that dog owners are gratified by the attentions they receive from their pets. It’s a very heartwarming and sweet interaction, but it’s also something that a mature human being should be able to go without for a few hours. When a study shows that people’s psychological reliance on their pets extends to this level, the question becomes less about bringing dogs to work and more about unhealthy emotional dependence.

The relationship between pet and owner is personal; bringing it into the professional sphere turns it from a leisure-time choice into an aspect of on-the-clock performance. Do you really want to open that can of worms, Joe Pet-Owner? (Or—to put it in your terms—pull that thread of the argyle dog-sweater?)

Think, in particular, of the logistics involved, such as those pertaining to feeding, waste management and hair. There’s also the “playful” banter and “lively” activities in which dogs usually engage when in one another’s company. Anyone advocating for dogs in the workplace should have some pretty ironclad “barking and humping” talking points up their sleeves (next to the plastic baggies).

And, of course, there’s the fact that there will be animals in the office. Who bumped into Jerry while he was carrying the coffee jug? What’s that startled yelp every time the intercom buzzes? Where are the snacks I had in the back of my drawer? And who left this little “present” on my presentation? These are all good questions.

Furthermore, in any given workplace, there will be pet owners and non-pet owners. The proposal of bringing dogs into the workplace immediately gives rise to two distinct difficulties:

1) People who don’t own pets have chosen to live pet-free. Social obligations are one thing; visiting friends who have pets is something that pet-free people are willing put up with. But the workplace should be as free of pets as it is of politics and preaching.

2) “I want to bring both of my dogs to work, but I’ll also need to bring my cat, too, because they keep each other company while Mommy’s not home during the day. Don’t worry, they hardly ever squabble! I’ll just keep the litter box in the break room with my parakeets.”

Finally, where does the need for this feel-good companionship end? Will Denny’s start offering a pet menu, featuring pictures of squirrels and other dogs’ asses? Will people start bringing their dogs to the movies, to keep them from getting “stressed out” during the scary parts? (For that matter, how old does a dog have to be to get in to an R-rated movie?)

Essentially, if we take this concept at face value, the implication is that dog-owners’ personal and emotional needs apparently trump their professional and social responsibilities. Which, we can only imagine, must be an unsettling discovery to make about oneself.

A leash has two ends. Which one are you on?

Taking Responsibility.

According to this article, certain animals are making trouble in the world as a result of human behavior. There must be a way to meet halfway on this.

To wit:

• Starfish are ruining the Great Barrier Reef and its ecosystem, due to overpopulation caused by agricultural runoff pollution.

• Goats apparently ruin any environment to which they’re introduced; not unlike Jay Leno. They have no concern for—or even a basic understanding of—the results their actions will have on the viability of their future existence. (Similar to the major label music industry.)

• And, as you probably already knew, cows are the cause of ozone layer destruction, thanks to hilarious methane releases at both ends. They can also be blamed for rainforest destruction, in the service of creating grazing areas for them. You could conceivably blame them for being delicious, but PEDA prefers to pin that aspect of the matter on humans.

• Speaking of the most dangerous game, we made the list, too. Which gives us something to aim for. Let’s see where we rank next year!

Companion Animals (aka Pets): An Overview.

Lots of people in the modern era remember the days when we lived out on the frontier and used dogs to help us keep the sheep from escaping, and to warn us when the natives were hiding in the bushes. Or when cats used to be nice to have around because they ate the mice in the barn and shat outside.

And today, even though most people don’t live on the frontier, or have sheep, or natives in their bushes (or even bushes), or barns, many people still have pets, to remind themselves of those beloved pioneer days when animals were more than just another mouth to feed. After all, hair all over the furniture is a small price to pay for the companionship of an animal whose affectionate attentions stem from its recognition of the provider of food and shelter.

A lot of people choose to call their pets “companion animals,” because it makes them feel less like an “owner” or “master,” and more like a friend or life partner. This phrase is often used in the same sentence as “acupuncture,” “body work,” “crystal,” “chi,” “life partner,” “solstice” and “that’s not funny.” It’s rarely used in sentences that include “Hey, Dad, this Thanksgiving, is it okay if I bring,” “Just put the leftovers in a box for” or “I had to get a second job to pay the vet bills for my damn.”

The following is a list of popular pets, along with the PEDA perspective on each.

Cats: Who doesn’t love the smell of animal shit in the morning?

Dogs: If you’re cool with handling warm, fresh feces through a plastic bag a couple times a day for 10-15 years, everything else is the upside. No, thanks, I’m good; I had a snack at home.

Fish: Chicken of the sea? More like “Boring houseguests who never leave, but who you have to somehow feed when you go on vacation, of the sea.”

Birds: What? You like what? Sorry, it’s a little— Yes, they’re very pretty! What? Sorry, can we go into another room?

Hamsters/Guinea Pigs/Gerbils/Mice/Rats: It’s funny how the whole dogs/cats vs. cows/pigs debate takes on a whole new perspective when you add “gross rodents” vs. “cute rodents” to the conversation.

Rabbits: Floppy ears, floppy life. Sorry, I forget what we were talking about. Oh, right—pets that make fish seem exciting.

Lizards: Eccentric? Like to be different? Get a lizard for a pet! Or a tribal tattoo. Exact same thing.

Snakes: See lizards/tribal tattoos (above). Add mice.

Welcome to ASSPCA.com.

ASSPCA.com is the official home of People for the Eventual Disassociation from Animals (PEDA).

THE PREMISE

PEDA believes that it will be in the best interest of humans and animals to completely break off relations—diplomatic, social, economic, political and any other.

We take this position largely due to the ever-growing stockpile of evidence that consumption of animal protein in any significant quantity is detrimental to human health. It also supports an inordinately powerful agricultural-industrial complex, whose daily business practices negatively impact human and animal welfare in countless ways, from harmful hormone and antibiotic overdoses to staggering environmental pollution to lobbying and legislative duplicity that reaches the highest levels of our government.

PEDA further recognizes that it’s the responsibility of those who have the ability to do so (i.e., humans) to sever our ties with those who are unable to politely decline (i.e., animals) to participate in a relationship that does neither party any good whatsoever.

Basically, it’s time to kick the animals to the curb.

THE PRACTICE

Look—we’ve all had some great times together (well, not the animals so much; statistically speaking, they’ve had a pretty lousy time being part of our lives), but the facts are tough to dispute: We’re all grown up now. We’ve just got to stop depending on animals for everything. Sure, we’ll see them around, but they’ve got their own lives to lead, too. We’ll move on, they’ll move on—we all just need some space. And in time, we’ll look back and wonder what we even saw in those hairy, smelly idiots anyway.

Join the PEDA movement—cut animals out of your life today. It’s the first step toward better health, a better world and a better life.

Animals Are My Friends — and I Don’t Eat My Friends.

By this logic, then, are plants your enemies? Come on, now.

Why this vendetta against plants—did vegetables bail on you and take someone else to the prom? Did you hear that fruit was talking a lot of crap about you behind your back?

Furthermore, why are you so sure animals are your friends?

Try waiting around for your dog to feed you, for a change. Or, hey—see if you can get some of his food back from him, once it’s in his bowl. Not really a two-way street, is it? Some friend.

Does a real friend leave his hair all over your clothes and furniture?

Does a real friend need her claws removed?

Wouldn’t a real friend pick up your feces every once in a while?

And let’s not get started on wild animals; you probably don’t like the idea of eating a lion (no matter how friendly your feelings toward it), but a lion would eat you up in a sub-Saharan second. In the interest of keeping it real, people who “don’t eat their friends” should be eating lion on a regular basis. (See also: Bear.)

Plants don’t give you heart disease. Animals do. Why are fruits and vegetables getting the shaft, here? Here are a few alternative bumper stickers to consider:

Animals are not my friends—but I’m not going to be all vindictive about it.

That kind of gets at it, a bit. Close, but not 100%.

Plants are my friends—and I guess I eat my friends. Is that a crime?

Better? Hard to say.

I don’t think bumper stickers are a good way to express a complex, nuanced perspective on the ways in which we, as humans, interact with the world and its natural environment, particularly in terms of intricate cause-and-effect scenarios.

I like this one; unfortunately, it doesn’t really work as a bumper sticker. Suggestions for a better one will be entertained.