Lots of people in the modern era remember the days when we lived out on the frontier and used dogs to help us keep the sheep from escaping, and to warn us when the natives were hiding in the bushes. Or when cats used to be nice to have around because they ate the mice in the barn and shat outside.
And today, even though most people don’t live on the frontier, or have sheep, or natives in their bushes (or even bushes), or barns, many people still have pets, to remind themselves of those beloved pioneer days when animals were more than just another mouth to feed. After all, hair all over the furniture is a small price to pay for the companionship of an animal whose affectionate attentions stem from its recognition of the provider of food and shelter.
A lot of people choose to call their pets “companion animals,” because it makes them feel less like an “owner” or “master,” and more like a friend or life partner. This phrase is often used in the same sentence as “acupuncture,” “body work,” “crystal,” “chi,” “life partner,” “solstice” and “that’s not funny.” It’s rarely used in sentences that include “Hey, Dad, this Thanksgiving, is it okay if I bring,” “Just put the leftovers in a box for” or “I had to get a second job to pay the vet bills for my damn.”
The following is a list of popular pets, along with the PEDA perspective on each.
Cats: Who doesn’t love the smell of animal shit in the morning?
Dogs: If you’re cool with handling warm, fresh feces through a plastic bag a couple times a day for 10-15 years, everything else is the upside. No, thanks, I’m good; I had a snack at home.
Fish: Chicken of the sea? More like “Boring houseguests who never leave, but who you have to somehow feed when you go on vacation, of the sea.”
Birds: What? You like what? Sorry, it’s a little— Yes, they’re very pretty! What? Sorry, can we go into another room?
Hamsters/Guinea Pigs/Gerbils/Mice/Rats: It’s funny how the whole dogs/cats vs. cows/pigs debate takes on a whole new perspective when you add “gross rodents” vs. “cute rodents” to the conversation.
Rabbits: Floppy ears, floppy life. Sorry, I forget what we were talking about. Oh, right—pets that make fish seem exciting.
Lizards: Eccentric? Like to be different? Get a lizard for a pet! Or a tribal tattoo. Exact same thing.
Snakes: See lizards/tribal tattoos (above). Add mice.