Animals Are My Friends — and I Don’t Eat My Friends.

By this logic, then, are plants your enemies? Come on, now.

Why this vendetta against plants—did vegetables bail on you and take someone else to the prom? Did you hear that fruit was talking a lot of crap about you behind your back?

Furthermore, why are you so sure animals are your friends?

Try waiting around for your dog to feed you, for a change. Or, hey—see if you can get some of his food back from him, once it’s in his bowl. Not really a two-way street, is it? Some friend.

Does a real friend leave his hair all over your clothes and furniture?

Does a real friend need her claws removed?

Wouldn’t a real friend pick up your feces every once in a while?

And let’s not get started on wild animals; you probably don’t like the idea of eating a lion (no matter how friendly your feelings toward it), but a lion would eat you up in a sub-Saharan second. In the interest of keeping it real, people who “don’t eat their friends” should be eating lion on a regular basis. (See also: Bear.)

Plants don’t give you heart disease. Animals do. Why are fruits and vegetables getting the shaft, here? Here are a few alternative bumper stickers to consider:

Animals are not my friends—but I’m not going to be all vindictive about it.

That kind of gets at it, a bit. Close, but not 100%.

Plants are my friends—and I guess I eat my friends. Is that a crime?

Better? Hard to say.

I don’t think bumper stickers are a good way to express a complex, nuanced perspective on the ways in which we, as humans, interact with the world and its natural environment, particularly in terms of intricate cause-and-effect scenarios.

I like this one; unfortunately, it doesn’t really work as a bumper sticker. Suggestions for a better one will be entertained.